Be proud of yourself.
You need to start actually celebrating the hardships you have overcome. You have been through so much and instead of seeing the victories and strength, you see how you could have “been better.” You are alive. Much less has destroyed you in the past. You only see the shortcomings and never see let alone celebrate what you do well. You always think of some iteration like “I’m trying” or “be better” but you can’t even view trying as something to celebrate. You have stopped trying before so celebrate when you get back up again. But, stop settling for “I’m trying” and start honoring the phrase “I am doing it.” Doing is always better than trying. Trying can look like many things but now it has become an excuse to do the bare minimum for yourself. Change “trying” to “doing” and watch your life transform into what you have always hoped for. You have healed too much to be satisfied with the bare minimum of love for yourself. Expect more and expect better from yourself. You have earned your own life a thousand times over, so why do you choose not to live it? Your freedom lies within you. Go get up and get it.