Trigger warning: Brief mention of self harm
To my inner child,
I am sorry that big me never listened to you and allowed you to come out and play. I stuffed you in a box the same way everyone else did and I suffocated and choked you out until there was nothing left of you. You deserved better. All you ever wanted growing up was to be listened to and heard and just like the other adults, I forced you to keep quiet. I didn’t listen to the things you needed or wanted to say and I pretended you weren’t there. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that as I got older I also started to abuse and hurt you. I called you names, carved words into your skin and physically and emotionally scarred you. Instead of holding you and letting you cry, I told you to shut up, suck it up, and I forced you to suffer and cry in silence.
I’m sorry I took away your innocence the first time I decided to draw a blade to your skin. I carved words of hatred and thoughts of hatred into you and forced you to carry a burden you never should have had to. I’m sorry for stealing what remained of your childhood. I’m sorry for forcing you to grow up so quickly in a world you weren’t ready for. I’m sorry you never had what you truly wanted. I’m sorry for not encouraging you to go after and become the things you dreamed of being. I’m sorry I forced you into a mold and a box meant to snuff out your light and joy because big me could not handle it. I’m sorry for isolating you. You always loved making friends and instead of being out in the world, I isolated us, you. I’m sorry I called you names; ugly, fat, stupid, freak etc. I’m sorry I spoke those things while looking at you and believed they were true. I’m sorry I carved them into your heart for years on end.
I remember when I was little, I wrote a story about a girl that was killed. About how I was an evil monster that killed her, a young girl. I knew back then, even when i was so young, the truth about what I was doing to you. But, I continued to do it. I celebrated it. I found strength and power in it. Because I thought it made us capable, strong, more down to earth because you knew reality. That it was hard, hateful and nothing good was going to come from your life. But I was wrong. I became the monster under your bed.
I’m sorry I took away your freedom. The freedom to dream, to love, to explore, to create and to truly live. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to apologize to you or even speak directly to you. I will love you the way you deserve and need to be loved. I will listen to you when you cry, scream and need someone to hold you. I will be there for you even if no one else ever will, you will never be alone anymore. You are free to be as you are. Free to sing, to dance, to learn, to love, to feel and to live as the kid that you never could. Today is where your book begins, I love you and I’m sorry.
From your future self,
Nocta